The putrid air hangs around us like a shroud. The air is hot and decreasing at an alarming rate. We are in a box and have very little room to move.

The box is hard but lined with what feels like puffy silk. I think we are being buried alive.  I think we are in a casket. No light shines through any cracks there may be in the box so I can only assume we’ve already been buried. Buried and forgotten. The earth has swallowed us up in one gigantic gulp. Eating away at us greedily.

I try to push the top open, but it won’t budge. There are splinters under my fingernails where I have scratched at and beaten at the top of this box. My hands hurt so horribly now. I can’t bang or scratch any more. It has taken too much energy.

If I’m dead, I don’t actually remember dying. I remember all the horrible things that happened during my lifetime though. Things that no living being should EVER have to go through. I lived my hell on earth, that’s for sure.

I wonder who, if anyone for that matter, came to my funeral? Couldn’t they see that I wasn’t dead, just merely resting? Why didn’t anyone try to wake me up?! I just don’t understand. I didn’t know it was my time to go.

I had so many things left to do, so much I wanted to say to others and now that chance is gone.  I can’t even send them a letter.  I loved so many people that were around me and I don’t know if they knew it or not.  *sigh*

I never did finish that scrapbook even though I had all the pictures and all the supplies I needed. They sat in the drawer, ignored all this time. Maybe someone else will find it and complete it somehow.

There were a bunch of people I never forgave for different transgressions.  I held grudges for far too long. It wasn’t healthy for me.

I never got my book published. Maybe my family can get it done for me. That would be so great.  That was one of my greatest hopes.

I didn’t take enough time to be with my husband and my sons. Sure, I was around them but there was so much more that I could have done with them then staying at home and letting them go along without me. I regret that now.

Eternal rest? No, you don’t sleep down here. All you can do is think.

Hi out there, Stormy here.

I’m becoming increasingly alarmed about my memory lapses. I can’t seem to remember from day to day or sometimes even five minutes since something happened or was said. My husband has become so frustrated with me and the memory loss. He is worried about it as well. He wants me to ask the pdoc (actually nurse prationer) about it, if it could be a side effect from one of the meds that she has put me on. I don’t understand it. I got her to put me back on Strattera which helps wityh concentration. I thought it would help with the memory losses too. *sigh*

I don’t know if I am disassociating or I am merely forgetting. My husband took all the money off one of our ATM cards at the first of the month. He tells me that *I* am the one that told him to do this. I don’t have any memory, whatsoever, of this conversation!!!!! I was under the impression that all our money for the month was still on the card. I was so shocked when he told me that I had told him to take it all out!

I asked him if I was acting any differently or had my voice changed, even in pitch, and he said that he didn’t think it did and that I wasn’t acting any differently. So I don’t know what to think now.

I have memories from our childhood cropping up all over the place and even the mother and brother appeared in my dream this morning! It was a weird assed dream anyway. I was working a day job in some factory and then I was a cast member of Saturday Night Live!!!!!!! I was going from one skit to the next without any breaks and I was hurting really bad in my sides, legs and back. I was like a raving lunitic in my dream! I don’t know why SNL came into my mind. I haven’t watched it for years now. I will catch glimpes of it on TV every now and then but my husband absolutely hates the show so I don’t watch it anymore, even though I still think I would still like it! But as I said, I haven’t thought of SNL for years. I don’t understand why I dreamed what I did and also I couldn’t remember the names of all my dogs in the dream and two of them, the girls, were there. I finally remembered their names but couldn’t, for the life of me, remember our three male dogs’ names! It has me very disturbed. I remember, very distictly, that Will Ferral was in all the same skits as I was in and the two of us were not conducting ourselves very professionally. We were cracking up in all the skits when we weren’t supposed to, falling down, bumping into each other and everything. It was horriable. I don’t even like him that much! I wish Chris Cattan had been there instead. I love him! I’m in lust with that man! LOL

The other day, when we pulled up to the house after coming back from town, DH spotted his saw still plugged into the outside socket where our youngest, 14 yr. old, had left it without putting it up the night before. Darrin was a little frustrated about it and I guess, he told me in the car that he was going to make Bobby go put it up.

When we got into the house he hollered for Bobby and turned to me and told me something, I can’t remember what and I asked him, “Well, what is Bobby in trouble for?” My DH looked at me like I was crazy and then prqactically yelled at me, “We JUST talked about this before coming in the door, Stormy!” I couldn’t remember at all so he told me. *sigh* I don’t know what is going on with me and the brain.

The others talk to me all the time inside my head like they always have. They never shut up. Their excessive talking drives me batty sometimes. Other times I will sit for a few hours and just talk with them. Repressed memories is a lot of what we talk about. I don’t like what they show me at all. It’s painful to remember most of that stuff. One particular memory, they keep harping on.

When I was about 7, 8 or 9, my mother lived with her boyfriend, Donny. they lived in a one bedroom trailer way out in BFE. The school bus didn’t even come down into the hollar that we lived in. It was completely remote except for the main house that was across from us where two elderly people lived that I suppose owned the trailer and all of that.

Well, I had started out living with Daddy and my beloved dog, Babe on a lake here in Indiana. Well, Daddy went onto another drunk and decided to go back into detox so he brought me and my dog to my mother’s trailer in Missouri. When Daddy left, he had to take my dog, Babe, with him because of all of mom and Donnie’s dogs. They were fighting her and wouldn’t leave her alone, at least, that is what I was told, I don’t remember why she couldn’t stay with me.

Well, my mother didn’t send me to school. I know I was supposed to be in school because I had been in school while living with Daddy. Instead, she kept me, practically hidden, down where she lived.

I wasn’t allowed in the trailer at all except to clean on a daily basis and then to take a bath once a week. Other then that I had to stay outside. I slept with the dogs underneath the trailer for over a year. The dogs kept me almost warm during the long, hard winter and the trailer was the only shade anywhere down there in the summer. I stayed burnt up from the sun with huge blisters all over my body.

I remember one morning, I opened the door to go inside for something, and Donny was sitting in the living room, naked, watching TV. He freaked out when I opened the door and ran to the bedroom. Then he came back out and beat me for opening the door. My mother just sat and watched. she didn’t say one fucking word to him!

He was a very cruel “person” the entire time that he was with my mother. He would beat her on a regular basis and he and my mother together, abused me sexually, physically, emotionally, verbally, and mentally. It was the worse times of my life whenever I had to live with them. I hated him so much and still do to this day! I hate the mother for staying with him so long, for leaving my Daddy to be with him, who was supposed to be my daddy’s friend. Some friend, huh? Oh, I hate him so much! I hope that he is dead and that he went through a long, hard, suffering when he died. I hope he rots in hell! The SOB!

Two of the mother’s boyfriends stand out in my mind the most and that is Donny and Pete. Pete abused me the same way. He didn’t let on to mother that he was doing anything though. She knew though, I know that she did! At least with Pete, I had my own room in their house on the horse farm. I was allowed to go to school and live inside the house! I paid for it of course. I had to do all the cleaning and cooking. My mother worked in a sewing factory at the time and when she got home I had to have the entire house cleaned, the washing done and put up, the ashtrays emptied and washed and have supper on the stove going so that it would get finished just as Pete got home. If I failed in any of my tasks, including homework, I got beat by the mother and yelled at by Pete.

I remember staying with a family friend quite a few years after the mother left Pete and he showed up out at the house I was staying in. He told me, “You’ve really grown up. I mean REALLY grown up!” It was clear that lust was in his eyes. I remember that day so clearly now. I was repulsed by him and ran to their outhouse (the didn’t have indoor plumbing) and retched and threw up until I was dry heaving.

I remember I stayed out there without seeing the mother for a looooong time. At least no one there abused me with beatings. I had to work on the farm just like their kids did, gathering eggs in the morning, milking the cow, churning the butter and so on. But they never beat me. I got yelled at a lot, but never beat. I didn’t have to do the cooking there either, but my older friend did and I would help her in the kitchen every night while I was there. I remember being very, very sad when the mother came and took me away from there. I loved it there and wanted to live there forever with that family. BUT, I was unceramoniously, uprooted once again and moved away. We moved into town into an apartment with two bedrooms. I hated it there and it was just the mother and me.

I won’t go into that story today. I think I have said enough already. If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for listening.

Love,
Stormy

Hello! Wow, it’s been a long time since we posted here! We got a new subscription today which really surprised us! Since we haven’t been actively posting in such a long time, of course the new subscription surprised us.

We haven’t been doing much writing this past year. We’ve let it slide. A lot. We know that we should do more but we just haven’t felt like it.

Maybe we’ll start posting here again. It would do us good.

DarkWolf

I went and seen the therapist and did all the talking. Stormy stayed hidden. It wasn’t hard to talk to her at all. It got a little uncomfortable sometimes but overall it was a good experience and I want to go back.

Stormy stayed hidden the entire time I was there talking to the therapist. She didn’t want to come out at all. I don’t know why for sure. She still hasn’t talked about it.

The others are glad I talked. Sally isn’t though. I told on her. I told about the things she is telling the others. I told on her! I told on her! She is very unhappy with me now. I don’t care.

DarkWolf

I’m back in full control. Stormy has left the building! I should have been in control all along. If I had of then that bitch, Jamie, wouldn’t have burnt us like she did. But I’ll get my revenge. She won’t get away with what she did to us. The bitch. What comes around goes around and I’ll be there when she gets her’s and I will laugh my ass off. She’s already starting to get her’s. She’s been bit by a dog, the bite got infected and she’s lost all her friends. Now she is bothering surrounding neighbors that wants nothing to do with her. She is finding out that she isn’t wanted here. Like I said, she’s getting her’s.

She’d better NEVER walk across my path. She knows this too. She knows that I’ll deck her without a second thought. She knows I’m not scared to hit her.

But get this… I’ve never ever threatened her life, right? And so she goes and tells Ruth and them that I sent her death threats through the email. Yeah, right! I don’t even have her email address! Stupid bitch. If I was going to send her death threats I would send them to her house. I wouldn’t even do that though. I would say them to her face. I would want an immediate reaction. Not one that I had to get through the grapevine. What good would that do me? Geesh. She must think I’m stupid or something.

Enough about her. She’s gotten on my last nerve.

Stormy has hidden in the shadows and I have taken over. I had too. She’s been through too much lately and can’t function well. She was losing it so it was time for me to step up to the plate again and do my job. It’s been too long since I’ve been here. I’ve been gone for too long. I should have never let it go this long. That was bad of me.

We have an appointment with our therapist today. I’m going to do the talking today for the first time since we’ve been seeing her. I’m a bit shaken about it but Stormy absolutely refuses to come out. She doesn’t want to face reality. She can’t cope with the stressors in everyday life anymore. Life, itself, has gotten to her.

I haven’t a clue what I am going to talk to Dr. Mauer about today.

Dark Wolf

Our move to Eaton was, for the most part, uneventful. It’s been hard getting everything back into place and storing everything that was in the shed and Stormy has been driving herself crazy trying to do all of that and she is more then worried about storing things under the trailer, but it’s the best we can do at the moment.

Other things have had her worried as well but she is dealing with them and getting through them one moment at a time, like we all do.  She does take breaks from working around the house now and will go outside and sit in the swing and read or write or talk with the neighbors. This is a very good thing for her to do. She isn’t one to go outside very much, but she is doing 100% better already as she has been outside everyday since moving over here.

I just wanted to stop in and give a status report. We’re all hanging in there.

Stormie Leigh

I hate the fact that Stormy’s server is down and our site looks like shit at the moment with all of our graphics gone. I guess I could upload them all here to Xanga, but it’s just annoying.

We’ve not been doing so hot lately. There’s been a lot of inner turbulance due to memory recall and Stormy is really having a bad time of it. It’s been hard on us too, to help her handle all of the emotional pain that is coming with the recalls.

We’ve brought a new alter into the family. Her name is Rainy. She is the one that came when Stormy was raped the first time in the parking garage on the Ball State campus. With the memory recall of the event, Rainy just showed up.

I showed up to protect Stormy. The rape was particularly violent and I really seen no reason for her to go through it. She disassociated and I stepped in and she can do that now will viewing the memory, though she is more emotional about it now. She could have died that day and I don’t know what saved us. But something did. I thank God for that. The rape was brutal. I didn’t think it would ever end and I was sure we were going to die. Especially when he stuck the knife inside of us and jammed and twisted it around. Thank got it had a short blade on it.  Thank God for small favors I guess. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

{{{{{{Rainy}}}}}}} We’re all here for you and we know the pain you suffered was unjust. We are glad you survived the attack and we’re glad you are with us now, that you came out to be with us and that you are dealing with your pain the same way we all are — by facing it. We’re all family here and you are part of this family too.

If I could, I would erase all of our memories. It might not be fair to anyone but at least we could just move forward and not look back. I don’t know why we have to deal with all this shit anyway. It’s stupid. It’s more then that. It’s fucking nuts. Sure does fit us.

Forbes, calm down. You know why we have to deal with the memories. It’s for Stormy’s sake. She wants and needs to remember her childhood. It isn’t fair of us to control that in the way you are speaking of. It is time that we show her and be here for her just as we always have. I’m happy that she knows about us all now and that she isn’t “crazy” for talking to “the people in her head” as she used to say. Now she knows why she kept hearing us and how we can help.

I think we should close now before the others want to come in and have a say in all this. It could all lead to fighting.

We’re all reading the book by Stephen King, Wolves of the Calla. It’s a very good book so far. We take turns reading it aloud and we are all deeply involved with the story now. Even Tia who never sits still for things like this. We wondered about letting Chrissy and Lil’ Stormy sit in for this, but we decided that, yes, we would include them and just make sure it’s all pretend for them. So far they are doing really good with it.

They moved out the trailer across the street this morning. I must say, I was glad to see that fucking eyesore go! It was just so trashy and miserable looking! There is an empty lot full of trash now and where they forgot to unhook the water line, it looks like an artery busted free when the great hulk of a shell was pulled free and now it sits bleeding without abandon all over the ground. You should see that lot over there. It is NASTY!!!!!! I’ve never seen anything so trashy in my life! I was glad to see it go! Now just as long as it doesn’t take them forever and a day to clean the lot up we’ll gbe okay.

But I really don’t give a shit because we’re out of here the first week of June! Then they can have this entire trashy trailer park and stick it up their asses for all I care because we’re moving our tralier OUT OF HERE! We’re going to a NICE trailer COURT.  I really HATE this place and the trashy people that live here. I can honestly say the only person we like here is Linda that lives next door to us. She’s the only one.

Well I guess I have bitched enough. Stormie Leigh is coming and I don’t want her to know what I was up to.

DarkWolf.

We’re all so tired today. We’ve figured out what has been making us so sleepy in the mornings though and it’s the Lamictal. So we only took one pill of it this morning and we’ll take the other this afternoon or at supper or something. We hate to be sleepy in the mornings! We might stop taking the Lamictal in the mornings all together and save it for afternoon and evenings. That wouldn’t be so bad, now would it?

I’m almost finished with the book I’m reading, that Pelzer book. He went through a lot of shit during his teens too. Not half as bad as when he was little, but bad enough. Thank Gods he found Paul and David who befriended him. I think without them he probably wouldn’t have survived like he did. Writing his books must have been very theraputic for him, wouldn’t you say?

We don’t want to hear about your silly old books, Forbes. We want to hear about fun stuff. If it’s warm enough this afternoon we’re going outside and swinging in our swing! We hope and hope it’s warm enough! We haven’t even bothered to get dressed in jeans for three or four days. What’s the point if your not going anywhere? We’ve not dressed in jeans since the birthday on Saturday. We’re tired of sweats and oversized shirts. We want to pull the summer clothes out of the building and hang them in the closet and get the other stuff in the closet too. Get it all cleaned up so everything will look good so we can have some fun!

Like YOU’RE going to stick around to help clean up. That’s the best joke I’ve heard all fucking year. You never stick around when there’s work to do. All you’re interested in is fun. Fun is probably your middle name, isn’t it? Tia Fun? It goes together well.

Sorry to cut in here people but I just heard Sarah Frances calling my name. It was damned scarey! She was calling it like she always did when she was pissed off. I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to hallucinate that shit anymore! I don’t want to hear her calling out to me like that. Help me guys. Make her go away. Please!

She will not bother you, Stormy. I’ll see to that. I’m right here protecting you. She will never hurt you again. She’s not here. She didn’t really call your name. It was a hallucination. It wasn’t real. Look around. Do you see her? No. It was like a day-mare instead of a nightmare. You’re okay. We’ve got you. We’ve got you. Everything is going to be okay! Be calm now and rest in my arms knowing that we’re all here for you now and won’t let anything bad happen to you like that anymorel. This circle that you are within will never weakend or be broken. You are safe now.

Now stop your crying and come to us. Let us love you.

-DarikWolf

I hate the Internet. People can’t hear your tone of voice and they don’t get the meaning of what you say. They just read the words and ASSUME (make an ass out of u and me) that it was meant this way or that and that is strictly bullshit. Some people should KNOW better that other people wouldn’t hurt them for the world! Sheesh! What a pisser of a fucking day!

I think I will blow this computer up today and never let any of us use it again. Just disappear forever more. No one would fucking miss us anyway. No one would even fucking care because it’s obvious that we’re not needed. That we can be hung up on in the flash of an eye like we don’t fucking matter at all. Like we don’t have feelings too. But does that fucking matter? No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t matter at all. Nothing matters any more.

We thought we found the friends we’d been search for
but I think we were wrong because they don’t like us no more
They shut us out, they closed the door, no, I don’t think they like us no  more.
I still want those friends, I want to pry open that door. Lord, help me, I want to pry open that door.

Don’t shut us out. Don’t blow us off. Don’t turn your back on us when all we want to do is be your friend.

Don’t push us away. Don’t tell us to go away. Don’t hurt us so we’ll leave. We want to be your friend. We’re standing here, in the rain of torment, waiting for you to open the door again.

Elton John Says it like I can’t…..

“How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we’ve shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds and that’s what I’ve got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there’s just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It’s the chance I’ve gotta take

Take a look at me now”