April 13, 2004

  • We wrote in our long hand journal today. We wrote quite a bit actually. Just got this bug up our ass.


    We wrote down a lot of our memories. Not good memories either. Bad, bad memories. Sick memories, but ones Stormy has to face regardless. We all have to face our past so we can go on with our lives in peace. We have to bury the past and let it go. We can't leave it hanging over our head like a black cloud.


    She's strong enough to face them. She can control the situation when she is faced with them. It's time.


    Slone



     

April 12, 2004

  • The font is signature. I hope you have it.


    This is Stormy. I have control issues and I don't know how to get over them.


    I didn't do too good a job controling DW tonight though. She let her ass overload her mouth. She knew better too.


    Shit happens though. I didn't lose my friend, thank Gods. I would have just lost it had I lost her. She is very important to me.


    I'm headed to bed. I just wanted to stop by and have my own say here.


    Help me get over my control issues. Anyone have any suggestions?


    Love,
    Stormy

  • DW has went into seclusion. I don't know how long she'll be there. She's feeling really bad for pissing Julie, someone she just recently met, off. She's sorry and all that but now she just wants to go be alone so she can figure out what she did so wrong. She'll be okay though. She'll be back and she is still protecting Stormy, she is always protecting Stormy. But she made Stormy scared tonight. She made Stormy scared that she was going to lose her friend Jamie over her's and Julie's discussion. Stormy told her to drop it and she didn't drop it. *sigh*


    Things are quiet here in the den tonight. None of us really feel like talking a lot except Tia and she is always ready to talk. She is a party machine. I don't know where the girl gets her energy. I'd like to have some of it.


    Did you say my name? I love to talk and do things. I love Jamie! I have so much fun with Jamie! I wish she lived here! I get so excited when I know she is coming over! She is fun, fun, fun! She knows how to LIVE! Now like the prudes around here. DW is broody and dark. Sally is old and just sits and reads. Christina is always working. Little Stormy and Chrissy are usually playing together and I don't play kiddie games any more. Forbes is a complete ass so I stay out of his way as much as possible. Just everyone has their own thing except during the family meetings.


    Stormy and I are starting a new project! We're going to start scrap booking and  Jamie didn't really say yes, but we think she is going to do it with us! Oh, I hope she does!


    Tia, shut up, would you? There are more important things to talk about. Like the fact that Stormy is dreaming about her memories. She is waking up and they are leaving her too quickly for her to write them down. We're going to have to help her on this gals. We are going to have to help her remember longer so she can get them written down. There's no time to fuck around. It's time to get serious! Do you hear me?! You'd better be listening.


    Must you curse Forbes? It isn't polite and it's just vulgar. Just stop it okay? You're not a sailor for the love of Pete. We need to put more memories into Stormy's head. We're moving way too slow on this.


    Yes, that is right, we need to  get busy with the memories. I got Stormy to email her tdoc today to ask for a copy of everything she's given her thus far.  I hope her tdoc will be able to do that.  She has given her a lot. And we have to write more in the new journal  Stormy started and we're going to take it to our therapy sessions.


    I'm still trying to talk Stormy into letting us come out in session. She's scared to let us come out. We're working on it.


    That's all I have.


    Later

April 11, 2004

  • It's been a while since any of us have blogged. So we elected me to come out and blog tonight. Do you like our font? It is MS Sans Serif. I like it. It is crisp and neat.


    Stormy is working on her control issues but not enough. She still tries to control us too much. We can't be of much use to her (i.e. help) if we're controled. We need to be free to help her -- to help her remember. She needs to remember and deal with the past. Oh why beat a dead horse here?


    It's all just bullshit anyway. She's not going to remember if she doesn't want to fucking remember. She isn't trying. The things she remembers are the things she can't control. She's remembering things by way of dreams. Horrid, horrid dreams. She has no control over those.


    I'm sick of being fucking controled though. I want to be my own person. I *am* my own person. I'm fucking DarkWolf and I'm not going to let Stormy fucking forget it!


    I'm sick of this shit and I'm going to let her know it!


    DarkWolf.


    I'm not being nice anymore.

March 31, 2004

  • Well, she doesn't and can't control me! I come and go as I please. I always have and I always will! She needs me to do that anyway! If I didn't she wouldn't know half of what she does now. She wouldn't even have done half of what she has done already. She wouldn't remember what she needs to remember. Yeah, sometimes I may seem mean and cruel, but sometimes it takes the harsh way to make her remember.


    --DarkWolf

  • We're upset with Stormy a little. She is such a control freak. She is learning to control when we come out. She can hear us in her head but as far as coming out, if she is thinking about us, she can control some of us from not coming out, not even to share time, but others of us our stronger and can come out anyway. Some of the weaker ones though, they can't. They need to though, to help her remember.Stormy has to face the past. If she doesn't, she won't heal and if she refuses to heal she can't get on with her life.


    --Stormie Leigh

March 24, 2004

  • SEx, sex, sex, that's all he's worried about! He'll stay in this funky-assed mood until she gives in and gives him a little and then everything will be fine, but does it matter that she just doesn't want to have it? Fuck no it doesn't matter. He's going to walk around her in a bad mood until he gets his way because he knows if he does that she'll give in and give it to him and that's a bunch of bullshit! SHe shouldn't have to do that!


    IT'S BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

March 12, 2004

  • Yo! It's DarkWolf comijng at ya today. Thought I would write a few lines to see if it would relieve the stress going on inside of me. I feel all caged up right now.


    When Stormy isn't paying any attention we can slip right in and share time with her but when she IS paying attention, like at the tdoc's sessions, she makes it impossible for us to slip in and talk to the tdoc ourselves. I don't know what I would actually say to the tdoc if I could slip in, but it would be nice if I could talk to the woman myself. Maybe I will just write her a letter in the journal pages that Stormy gives to her each session. That would work.


    I have a lot of horrid memories because it was me that most of the stuff happened to. Well, I took 99% of the sexual abuse while Slone took 99% of the physical abuse. We ALL took the verbal and the emotional abuse, even Stormy. There was just no real way to protect her from that unless we zoned her out completely and we were afraid of losing her if we did that to her.


    She is coming back out of a depressive cycle right now, which is good. It plays havoc with all of us when she is depressed or manic. We feel the effects too, just not as extremely as Stormy. Well, except Chrissy. She feels them every bit as much as Stormy and it is hard to see little Chrissy go through that. Little Stormy seems to feel them a lot more then us too. Maybe it's because they are kids and they sense it more? I don't know.


    Well, that is about all I have to say right now. I just needed to get that out.


    Later.


    DarkWolf

February 26, 2004

  • Stormy is so controlling that it's hard for us to come out and do anything. She is a very strong, controlling presense and in order for us to help her, we need to take over sometimes and bare the pain for her. We also need to take over and give her some of the memories to make her see the past and deal with it. She is avoiding it, trying to bury it all over again. She can't do that. It can't be buried again. Too much time has already passed and it's time to deal with the past now. Yes, it's painful, but it has to be done.


    I don't like showing her what was done that she has blocked out but I have to. I don't like showing her how the uncles and the aunts molested her and abused her and treated her like shit. I don't like to be the one that has to remind her of those times, but I have to. It's part of my job.


    When we were five, Aunt Sue was having a yard sale and she was busy out in the garage and Uncle Wally took us into the bathroom and made us take our clothes off and sit on his naked lap. He got his thing inside us and it hurt so bad! We bled and we cried but he put his hand over our mouth and he kep pushing his thing in and out of us anyway until he was done and then he shoved us off of him and got up and washed himself and then threw the washcloth at us and told us to wash down there real good. And he gave us a pad from under the sink and told us to put that in our panties so blood didn't get on our panties and told us if we told anyone he would kill us in our sleep. Then he left.


    We locked the door and we tried to clean ourselves but it hurt so much and there was so much blood. We were so scared. We were crying, but we knew to cry silently or we would get a whipping from Aunt Sue. We rinsed the blood out of the washcloth and put the pad on our panties and pulled them up and fixed our dress and then went to our room. We curled up with our teddy bear and cried and then Aunt Sue came in and found us and we got into trouble for being on the bed in the middle of the day and we got a spanking. She found the pad and we got a spanking for that and when she seen that it was bloody we got an even harder spanking for that.


    She made us tell why we were bleeding and she smacked us and called us a liar and spanked us again. We were grounded to our room then and we didn't get supper that night. We got a glass of water before it was time to go to sleep and that was it.


    We weren't allowed to go to school that week. Aunt Sue told the school that we were sick. We had to stay in our room. We got to eat a peanutbutter sandwhich for each meal that week with a glass of water because we lied about what happened. Uncle Wally found out that I told and he came to our room and did it to us again - three more times. It hurt so much. We cried a lot. We wished that mom or dad would come get us. We didn't know where they were.


    Aunt Sue and Uncle Wally took my teddy bear away because we talked to him. Then they took our other toys and got mad because we talked to each other outloud. So we had to talk to each other in our head. They knew we were doing it and we got spanked a lot for it.


    I hope Stormy reads this and remembers.


    --DarkWolf

February 21, 2004

  • The original was Tina. She is in a deep coma now and we don't expect her to ever wake up. Stormy came from Tina and is our main identity. She is the one that is in charge most of the time.


    Stormie Leigh - 30 years old. Came to Stormy first due to excessive physical, verbal, sexual and emotional abuse. Stormy couldn't handle it at the age of two years old.


    DarkWolf - 34, ages with Stormy. She came to take the sexual abuse and pain associated with it away from Stormy. She pushed Stormy out and took it herself.


    Christina - 34, ages with Stormy. She is the professional. She keeps all medical records, official documents and such in order. She is the one that makes appointments for the kids and does all the official things where the "birth person" would need to be.


    Chrissy - 3, 4, 5, 6 - Can be any of these ages. She remembers the things that happened during those years. She was Stormy's main playmate during that time.


    Tia - 19. Party gal. Loves to drink and get wild. Is into everything your typical teen would be - piercings, tattoos, pop and hard rock. She is Stormy's energy basically. She is the one that shows Stormy how to have fun despite everything she has been through. She will jump in and take over when the system is getting overloaded and let some steam off.


    Sally - 40. Motherly figure, very Christian. The caregiver of Stormy. Came to her when Stormy's husband had his heart attack. Or rather, REAPPEARED because Sally used to be with us when religion was forced on Stormy in an abusive manner.


    Forbes - Male, aged in early 30's. Recently discovered to be gay. He is a smartass. He can say hurtful things and often does. His role is not clearly defined in the system as of now.


    Slone - 34, ages with Stormy. Took 99% of the physical abuse for Stormy. She never cried or showed emotion which got the body beat even harder because it would piss the adults off and they would beat until they gave in.


    Little Stormy - 11, 12, 13. Unsure what her role in the system is as of yet. She just recently evidenced. She is shy at the moment, but we suspect that will change with time. We're unsure why she came but we suspect it was to bring the memories of that age because she is *stuck* in that time frame. She is not in the present fully. She still thinks it's the 80's.


    Everyone or every fragment, alter, part, soul, whatever you want to call us, has a role to fill in the system known as Stormy. We're all here to help her in one way or another. I (Stormie Leigh), am the one that knows all the alters and am the gatekeeper. Basically I can decide who can come and go, but sometimes they slip by me without my knowledge too.


    There are other alters here that Stormy doesn't know about. These are the ones that take over and she loses time with. She hasn't met them and therefore can't share time with them.


    Stormy sees us in her mind's eye. She hears us in her head. We all talk together. We have different styles of fashion, hair, make-up, etc. It can make it hard for the body at times, but we get through it.


    Stormy can now see us in the mirror. This is still scaring her so she is avoiding mirrors as much as she can. She can talk to us better in the mirror if she would try. We don't push her though.


    We all write in a common journal that we share with our therapist. Many of us write about our memories. Stormy goes back and reads all the entries sometimes. Sometimes she won't because she doesn't want to know. We all have our own special writing style and our handwriting is all different. Stormy has learnt who is who by our handwriting. So she selects what to read and what to skip.


    Don't be afraid to ask questions. You're not going to offend us or Stormy. If we can't or don't want to answer it, we won't.


    Thanks for asking Miss CheerBaby.


    --Stormie Leigh